The Cliche
by I-am-LMR
Summary: Yes this is LMR and this is the same The Cliche that I posted under my old id. A new link is terrorizing Naperville. Ooh, aah. KN 'shippy of course!
1. A Little Too Typical

Spoilers: The Yellow Rose and The Sock

A/N: This story takes up where the series left off. Consider it just another episode!

Disclaimer: No links were harmed in the making of this fic, and no ownership was infringed, either.

Archiving: For your patience, I owe you whatever the heck you want. Sure, put it everywhere as long as it's got my namie!

Everyone, thank you so much for reviewing and demanding more!

The Cliche

Chapter 1: A Little Too Typical

The high schooler wore black combat boots over fishnet stockings and a lacy dress. Though she followed no particular religious belief, she wore about five crosses around her neck, big, gaudy, ugly things. Her unnaturally blonde hair was pulled three different ways in wild ponytails held together with puffy scruuncies. She was playing air guitar in her poster decked bedroom and wailing unintelligibly with a punk rock singer. It wasn't that she couldn't sing coherently, but she couldn't understand the words to the song any better than her parents could. Naturally, her parents were the reason she owned this vile CD. Left to her own devices, she would have hated this band, but when her father commented that their music was "garbage" when it came on the radio once, she immediately bought the album. She truly believed she loved this song.

"Turn that trash down!" Her father's voice.

She mumbled something under her breath. A pause between the tracks, and she picked up an ice cream sundae setting on her dresser. She took a bite, and as she moved to pull the spoon out of her mouth, a look of shocked horror overcame her face. It was stuck. It hurt! It was choking her! She fell to the floor as the band began to play their hit single "Slimy Mflump." (They don't know what it means, either, but as long as parents hate it, it sells BIG.)

Cool music and credits here.

Kate set her coffee mug on the desk. Funny, even though she had never missed a day of work in years (except for that unfortunate incident with the hypnolink, she shuddered at the thought), she felt like it had been forever since she'd been here. Strange. Nick noticed the look on her face.

"Thinking about the hypnolink again? "Cause I promise, nobody even noticed that you weren't, you know," he ducked his head, "Wearing anything. Most of us were too busy falling into the abyss and being chased by clowns."

"No, I just get this weird feeling. Like I'm back after a long, boring vacation. It's weird. You know what I mean?"

"Sorry, you lost me when you put 'vacation' and 'boring' into the same sentence."

She took a sip. "What are you talking about? You're the workaholic. As long as work includes interrogating links and blowing things up, of course." She smiled.

He grinned viciously. "I take great pride in what I do."

"No, you take homicidal glee in what you do."

He shrugged. "Same difference."

A booming voice snapped them out of their banter. "Benson! O'Malley!"

They followed Captain Page to his office, where Jonathan was already waiting, looking like it was Christmas.

Captain Page looked grim, but then, he seemed to have no other look. "We've got a case of a Literarilus down in a suburb of the city, Naperville. I need you for this case. Jonathan, explain."

Jonathan opened his mouth to start.

"And if you use the word 'wow' once, I'm going to feed you to the tentacle," he warned.

Jonathan didn't look at all happy about _that_. "Um, right, Captain. Uh, no problem. Well, the Literarilus, this is really cool, is so named because it makes everything so ridiculously literal, it's like. . ." he hesitated, not trusting his vocabulary, afraid his excitement would betray him. "It turns everything you say into reality. Every cliché becomes true. It's frightening."

"I'm not following," Kate said, impressed with Jonathan's ability to restrain himself.

"We found a teenage girl in her bedroom, and get this. . ." He was very nearly bursting. "She had been gagged with a spoon!"

"Shouldn't this be a case for homicide?" Kate wondered.

"No," Jonathan explained. "You don't understand. Nobody gagged her with the spoon. She just was gagged with a spoon! You see how destructive this link could potentially be? I mean, w-."

Nick interrupted just in time. "First person to say 'I'm coming apart at the seams,' this could get ugly." (I confess I got the idea for this episode from the old BeetleJuice cartoon!)

"Exactly. That's why we gotta nip this thing in the bud!" Jonathan was practically hopping up and down.

"And there's another one you wouldn't want to say around this thing," Kate pointed out.

Jonathan winced, getting a bad mental image.

"All right. How do we kill this thing?" Nick wanted to know.

"Standard puce ammo," Jonathan informed them.

"Um, no offense, Captain," Kate said, "But you said you needed us for this case. Why us?"

The Captain didn't look thrilled about delivering this news. "This link is in suburbia. We need undercover agents who won't seem . . . out of place." He looked ridiculously awkward for someone of his status. "We need to send in a married couple."

And so it is revealed, my friends, the REAL reason this story is called the cliche! Every series like this has one of these episodes! The Scarecrow and Mrs. King, for instance, had 3! Now this is going to be a fun cliché.

Questions to be answered next time!

Will they accept this ridiculous assignment? (Of course they will. I call the shots here!)

What cliché will come to life next?

Why do I bother with these stupid questions that nobody reads?

Does this guy explode when we kill him?


	2. One Big Happy Something

The Cliche

By: LMR

Disclaimer: If you read this disclaimer and pass it on the five point three of your friends within two weeks and thirty seven minutes, you will receive marvelous fanfiction reviews for the rest of your life and retire happily in Boca someday, famous for your marvelous fanfiction. If you don't all your favorite shows will be cancelled, and you'll get nothing but flames. That said, SU2 is not mine. ;)

Spoilers: Whatever episode it was where Nick revealed that he had been married. Anybody know?

Chapter 2: One Big Happy...Something

The look on Kate's face was priceless. "You've got to be kidding." The brash tone to a superior was not like Kate. This was a rather unique situation, however, and she felt she could take a little leeway with the formalities. Especially since what she really wanted to say was-

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR SMEGGING MIND!!!!!!?????????" Carl voiced her thoughts. The gnome had been listening in on their meeting. "They can't be married!"

"Darn, and I was just about to call Mom with the good news." As usual, Nick's face was practically unreadable.

"I'm sorry, Captain," Kate shook her head. "I have to agree with Carl." They all looked at her with a strange expression. "I know, I know, scary."

Captain Page was exasperated. "It's not as if you would really be married. It would just be a charade for the sake of the civilians in the area." He looked somewhat forlorn. "I thought out of all our agents, you two could probably pull it off best." He raised his arms as if to defend himself against the onslaught he seemed to know he would get. "Don't take it the wrong way, it's just that you two are. . ." He searched for the words that wouldn't get him in trouble. "You have the right camaraderie to pull it off."

Kate conceded. Carl just grinned. "Nick and Kay-ate sittin' in a tree. K-I-ooooooffff!" This last utterance was not meant to be a letter, but rather a reaction to the fact that O'Malley had just punched him squarely in his low altitude gut. But Carl was not without repose, and Nick was immediately laid out on the precinct floor.

"Why you little . . . !" The fight went on while Kate, Jonathan, and Captain Page watched, practically bored with the everyday spectacle.

"You should send them," Kate commented. "They already act like an old married couple."

"No good," the Captain responded as if it were a serious suggestion. "We want a newly married couple. Besides, Carl's got another part to play in all this."

Kate raised her eyebrows in question. The Captain positively grinned this time. "Kate, meet your son."

Through the scuffle, Nick managed to squish his face out enough to question the Captain. "You mean I have to pretend that this underevolved mutant is my kid?" Carl whacked him upside the head.

"Nope. Stepson. He hates you."

"You better believe it," the gnome intoned, straightening himself up.

"Awww, come to Mommy," Kate joked, beginning to take the role in stride. She patted Carl on the head.

"You are Nick and Kate Greenwood and Carl Smuzepot. You just got back from your honeymoon in Hawaii. You live at nine oh eight Caitlin Circle, and you, Nick are a successful daytrader. Kate, your very convenient hobbies are photography and astronomy, which will explain the surveillance equipment. Carl, you're a rotten little brat who has to be homeschooled because you got caught stealing out of the other children's cubby holes." Carl huffed. "Everybody got your part?" Sensing no dissent, he nodded resolutely. "Good. Head out."

"I get to drive," Nick said, as if he really needed to.

"You know," Kate said, as if suddenly coming to a wonderful conclusion. "You can't boss me around anymore. I'm your wife, I outrank you." She practically giggled with glee.

He pointed as if to teach her a valuable life lesson. "Just remember, Kate. I've been married. You haven't. You have no idea what hell you're in for."

A new expression dawned on Kate's face. "That's right. You never told me anything more about that."

"And I'm not going to," he insisted.

"You brought it up," Kate pointed out as they turned onto 88.

"Consider it put away."

Hmmmmm. What next???? I don't really know, or I would have written it already!

Questions:

What will be revealed about Nick's past marriage? Absolutely nothing: I don't care.

What catchphrase will cause the link to strike next?

Is Captain Page out of his smegging mind?

More to be revealed later! Stay tuned!


	3. D'oh I Forgot to Make a Title!

The Cliché

Disclaimer: If I ever get ownership of Special Unit 2, I'll eat my ceiling fan. It would be worth it, but it's not gonna happen.

Chapter 3:

"All right, Nick, we're almost there, so let's lay down some ground rules."

"Only married two hours and I'm getting lectured," Nick said.

"Come on, I'm serious. This is work," Kate reminded him. "Rule number one, Carl is your stepson, so no beating on him. We can't draw undue attention to ourselves."

"I was actually pretty good as a regular cop. I know that's hard to believe, judging by what an immature brat I am . . ."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult you; I know you're a good cop."

Nick acted surprised. "Actually, I wasn't being sarcastic. It _is _hard to believe."

"And Carl, don't provoke him."

"I'm his stepson. I'm supposed to provoke him. Getting into character, I realize that my entire existence revolves around making you miserable for marrying my dear mommy." He smiled wickedly at Kate.

"Carl, we are not there yet, and until we are, I am your dear nothing," she reminded him. Nick grinned.

"Here we are." Nick pulled up to a nice house. "Cool place. I wonder if there's a hot tub?"

"Nick, we're here to work, I don't think you can do very good surveillance from a hot tub."

"No, but we could go a long way to convincing the neighbors that we really are newlyweds."

Without missing a beat, Kate shot back. "Which brings us to rule number two: Try anything, and your pepper spray ends up in a different time zone. Got it?"

"Hey, come on, if I'd really ever wanted to 'try anything,' don't you think I would have the other week when I was at your place. (A/N: The Sock)

Kate was suddenly very glad she wasn't driving because she felt the need to look out her window and hold her rapidly pinkening face away from view.

"Hey, Kate, what's he talking about?" Carl wanted to know.

"We got together and watched some movies last Saturday," Nick explained.

Fortunately, Carl didn't even think to turn it into an off-color joke. "Why wasn't I invited?"

"Because you suck," Nick said calmly. Kate, meanwhile, was feeling hideously embarrassed at having mentioned 'trying anything,' when she had been the one to cross the line last time they'd been together.

Nick was thinking about that, too. He had never acted inappropriately with her. I mean, he made some jokes that might normally come across as sexual harassment, but they could get away with that, they were best friends. And if he ever got out of line, there was no doubt in Nick's mind that Kate could pound him. That kiss had thrown him for a loop, and he took the easy way out by pretending to be asleep. He hadn't wanted to escape it, really, but he was afraid that she would consider it a lapse of judgment and it would be easier for them both this way. Conveniently for the fanfiction writer, who had, at this point run out of internal dialog, Nick parked the car, and they all got out.

No sooner had they set foot on the pavement when they heard a horrified scream.

"Help me, please!" The woman next door was screaming. "Something's wrong with my daughter, help please." Cops first, Nick and Kate rushed over to see what they could do. They found the woman's teenage daughter in her bedroom slumped over her desk. Gray goo was seeping out her ears. Kate took the girl's pulse, then looked at her mother mournfully.

"Nick call an ambulance." She made eye contact and mouthed, so the mother wouldn't hear, "No hurry." She turned her attention completely to the girl's mother. "What happened, exactly?" she said, practically cooing.

"She was studying for a chemistry test she had in three days." She began sobbing. "The last thing she said was, 'My brains are turning to mush!' I can't believe she's gone!" Kate tried desperately to comfort her new neighbor, moving her away from the body, and trying to keep the paramedics away from her when they arrived.

Later that evening, at 'home,' Kate took a sip of coffee. "We can't let that happen again, Nick, we've got to find some way to render the literalus powerless until we can find it. We don't know where to start looking, and we certainly can't wait for it to strike again."

Nick nodded, and Kate could tell he was thinking. "We need to make everybody shut up."

"Is there any kind of serum or anything?" Kate realized immediately how stupid that had sounded, but she was still somewhat unfamiliar with the world of links and link hunting.

"No," Nick said, not bothering to make fun of her. "Hey, Carl, you know any link who could help us out with this?"

Carl looked up guiltily from where he was using the telescope to look in the neighbor's window.

"Stop spying on the neighbors, Carl. You're supposed to be a little kid, so you really can't be looking in women's windows," Kate reminded him.

"I'm not!" He said defensively. Then he mumbled under his breath, "I was casing the joint." Kate looked at him severely.

"A link, Carl, help," Nick reminded him.

"Right. I know a guy who might help us out here. The Halteparle. Capable of paralyzing the voice boxes of large groups at a time."

"Well, it sounds good," Kate tried to map out what would follow. "If I were the people here, and I suddenly couldn't talk, I would panic."

"Alice and damage control could take care of that," Nick offered.

"How?" Kate wondered.

"Shh. Follow sci-fi rule number 23. Rule number 23 says if you don't know how to take care of a difficult situation that could complicate the plot, just don't mention it, and the audience won't think of it!"

"Got it," Kate answered. "If I were them, though, I'd start writing stuff down to communicate. Can the Literalus use written words to make clichés?"

"Nope. He'd love to, I'm sure, but like most links, he's dumb as a post and can't read."

"Hey, I resent that!" Carl shouted.

"I know you do," Nick replied simply. "That's why I said it."

"But how will we be able to hunt down the Literalus even after everyone's voice is gone? They could be missing their voices forever," Kate pointed out.

"Not really. The Literalus has to find clichés to use, and it will follow the voices. Naturally we'll keep our own voices so we can work. We'll just have to speak very carefully. He'll come right here, and we'll blow him away."

Kate nodded. "Sounds like a plan. Carl, can you contact this guy?"

"What's in it for me?" Carl asked.

"I don't smash your face in."

"Okie-dokie."

Ooh, how exciting!

Here are the stupid questions I always ask:

What does the Literalus look like? (I don't know, but I'll have fun deciding.)

Does the Literalus blow up? (Duh.)

What does the Literalus look like while he's blowing up? (Hmm.)

When do we get to the part about hot dogs and 'ship talk? (Soon, I promise.)

Where might the Literalus go if he can't find people to give him clichés? (Can't answer this one; I actually have an answer

already! Very hush hush!)


	4. THE BRILLIANT PLAN flops on it's head

The Cliché

By LMR

Disclaimer (a dialog):

Some Law and Order dude: Come on, detectives, we have a fanfiction writer who doesn't own a series writing about it!

Detective: We better get over there without giving the audience a chance to realize that they lost the story ten doink-doinks ago!

DOINK-DOINK! LMR's house.

LMR: Hey, if I have to be all interrogated and stuff, can I have Goren and Eames? (And can Eames wear a tank top?)

Chapter 4: THE BRILLIANT PLAN! (flops on its head)

"How can we be sure your little buddy the Haltaparle won't zap us, too?" Nick asked Carl after the gnome had called him up.

"Just don't be rude to him and you'll be fine," Carl assured him.

"Maybe I better talk to him," Kate said.

"Hey, come on, Kate, I am capable of not being rude, you know." The doorbell rang.

Kate looked nervously at her partner and the gnome. "Everybody know their parts?" She went to the door and found a smiling old lady.

"Hello, just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood. My name is Sophie, I live two doors down on your right. No, left.

No, right. My left, your right. Well, anyway, I'm your neighbor, and I brought cookies." She said all this before Kate even got the chance to invite her into the house.

"Oh, how lovely of you, Sophie, come on in. I'm Kate, this is my husband, Nick," (Geez that's weird!), "And this is my son, Carl."

"What's for dinner, Mommy?" Carl asked in an unnaturally high voice.

Kate looked a little annoyed at this but Nick took the opportunity to interject.

"Carl, your mother's been working hard all day, it's not polite to just demand dinner like that." Kate looked genuinely surprised and happy.

"Thank you."

"What's for dinner, Honey?" he whined, putting his hand on her shoulder.

Kate smiled acidly. She put her hand on his, still smiling and trying for all the world to appear to Sophie to be squeezing it, when in fact, she was squeezing it with about the force a woman uses when squeezing her husband's hand while she is in labor, usually screeching, "You're never touching me again!" What Kate said, however, as Nick grimaced and tried desperately to get his hand away, was "I've been working hard all day, and it's your night to fix dinner, remember?" She smiled sweetly.

"Hot dogs it is."

"You're welcome to stay for dinner," Kate offered, stepping aside so Sophie could enter. "I'm sure Nick wouldn't mind throwing on an extra hot dog or two."

"No problem, Sweetie," Nick called as he headed to the kitchen.

Sophie smiled at Carl, pretending not to notice that he was truly hideous for a little child. "Hello, Carl, nice to meet you."

"Hello, Lady," replied Carl in his unnatural voice.

Kate tried to look as easygoing as possible. "Carl, sweetie, have you finished those math problems I gave you?"

"Yeah, Mommy, all done."

Kate was surprised at how well this little charade was going. It was weird. "Great, honey, I'll check them right after dinner."

"So nice to see a man cooking dinner, and parents helping with their children's homework. I just know we're going to love having you in the neighborhood."

Dinner was ready soon after that. However it was possible to burn hotdogs to a charcoal crisp in the microwave, Nick had managed to do it.

"So," Sophie asked, friendly. "What do you do, Kate?"

"Well, I'm a stay-at-home mom, but I guess you could say my job is a teacher, since Carl is homeschooled."

"Oh, that's wonderful," Sophie said. "So you're not just helping with the math problems, you're assigning them as well. That's a very noble life-work I think." She took a bite of her hotdog, pretending that it wasn't every bit as appetizing as biting into a cooked bicycle seat.

"Mommy's a great teacher!" Carl's terrible child voice piped up enthusiastically.

"Thank you, sweetie," Kate said, genuinely pleased. He was being so nice. Who would have thought playing family would go so well?

As if on cue, Murphy struck. "But Nick is a dipwad!" Carl said.

"Carl! What did I tell you about saying things like that?" Kate said. She almost felt like she _was _his mother. Then again, she often felt she was the caretaker of two little boys.

But Nick was smiling broadly. "That's okay, Kate." He turned to Carl kindly. "It's okay. You go ahead and take all the time you need to get used to me. I understand this is hard for you, and I just want us all to be happy."

The look on Carl's face was priceless. The fact that Nick had not punched him left him looking stricken, and a little bit let down. "That was really sweet, Nick," Kate said, momentarily forgetting that they were acting. She forced herself to remember that she was Carl's mother. "Thank you."

Nick shrugged it off. "He's a good kid." Much to Carl's relief, as soon as Sophie looked away, Nick made a mean face at him. Carl flipped him the bird. Kate stared daggers into both of them.

Fortunately, Sophie noticed none of this. "And what about you, Nick? What do you do?"

"Daytrading on the computer. It's great: I get to stay home with Carl and my wonderful wife all day. I'm a really lucky guy." Kate was so dumbfounded by his kind demeanor that she nearly forgot to poke him in the arm to correct him when he started going into detail about his job trading stocks and bonds in the exciting world of agricultural exercising.

"It's the pork bellies," he explained. Sophie looked wide-eyed and eager for more of an explanation. "Too many pork bellies, very unhealthy pigs. I deal in mostly treadmills, but the occasional Slop-Fast shakes as well, and- Umph." He remained quiet through the rest of the meal. When it was time to clean up, he gestured for Kate to keep sitting, while he collected the dishes and the trash. "My mess, my cleanup." He kissed Kate briefly on the top of the head, and she nearly fell out of her seat in surprise. "You, okay, hon?" he asked, helping her straighten up in her chair.

It took Kate a moment to realize that he was talking to her. "Yeah, I'm fine, thanks." He squeezed her hand and went back to collecting the dishes.

Sophie stayed for coffee after, and luckily for their ruse, Nick had largely quieted down and not given either Kate or Carl cause to faint from shock.

Sophie was, as Kate had hoped might be the case, the neighborhood scuttlebutter. Before the end of the coffee they had learned the names of the woman whose daughter had had her brains turned to mush by the Literalus, her husband and their three children, where everyone in the neighborhood worked, and who was having an affair with the mailman (Mrs. Furgleshnort). It wasn't Wisteria Lane, but it was interesting enough, and after Sophie left, Kate made a who's who map of the neighborhood, marking off where the two victims of the Literalus had met there sordid ends. It looked like he was headed North, but two pinpoints doesn't make for a very good plotted course, and the detectives knew that there best chance was for the Haltaparle to show up soon.

Fortunately, the Haltaparle has very good timing, unless of course you need him in a tediously boring class, in which case he will never show up. You know he _could _visit your three hour political science 400 course, but does he, of course not! This is what makes him a monster.

But today, when the detectives needed him, his timing was impeccable. He popped right out of their ceiling. "You called?"

Kate tried not to gasp, feeling that might be somewhat rude. The Haltaparle was the deepest, most beautiful shade of blue Kate had ever seen, except for his eyes, which were as green as slimy water. His hair? was shiny, spiky pink with yellow curly tips. The overall effect was comical. "Yes, thank you so much for coming, Mr. Haltaparle." She extended her hand as if to shake, but wondered immediately if that was a good idea, particularly when the link extended a fin. Thankfully, just as Kate was about to show signs of revulsion, she saw that he wasn't extending it so much as brushing her hand away in gesture.

"No offense, but I don't like to get human on my fins. I'm. . . whatchacallit? Obsessive Compulsive."

"Um, right." Kate was edging slightly to the right so that her body would block the face she knew Nick was making behind her. "The Chicago Police would like to enlist your er. . .talents. It's a matter of some urgency to both human and link-kind." She wasn't sure if that sounded okay. She could hear Nick stifle a laugh behind her, and she helped him by poking him

in the ribs.

"The Literalus, I heard." He shrugged. "So what's in it for me?"

She pushed Nick a little with her back, knowing he was going to move forward and start threatening the link. "Well, I'm sure we could work something out. What. . . um, would a fine link like yourself want from the Chicago PD? Any traffic tickets we can wipe from your record? Um. . . library fines?"

"Got any bleach?"

"Well, yeah, sure?" Kate said. It was more of a question than a statement.

"I'll do it for five gallons of bleach. And I want Clorox, none of that store brand generic crap!"

"No problem." Kate's better judgment told her she shouldn't, but she just had to know. "What exactly do you do with bleach?"

The Haltaparle looked at Kate as if she were an idiot. "Drink it, of course! What do you do with yours?"

"Of course. All right, deal. We need the entire town silenced. Except for us."

"My pleasure. Toodles." He snapped his fin and disappeared into the ceiling.

"How do we know he did it?" Nick wondered, rubbing his side where he'd been poked.

Kate shrugged. An idea hit her and she picked up her cell phone. She checked the list she'd made of the data on the neighbors. Picking out a number at random, she dialed. The line on the other end stopped ringing, and Kate could hear a distinct two syllable exhalation. But there was no accompanying voice. She hung up and smiled. "Indeed he did."

"Good, that oughta give us some time without any more casualties, and in the meantime, remember that if the neighbors see us, we don't have our voices either."

"That would look a little suspicious," Kate agreed. "Good thing for you, Carl, because that kid voice you came up with really.."

"Eats it," Nick finished for her.

Kate scowled. "Well, I was going to be nicer than that, but yes, Carl, it does kind of eat it. I'm going to go take a shower." The two males looked at each other and raised their eyebrows. "And I'm taking my gun," she finished, as if reading their minds. "To use on anything that might come too close to the keyhole." She smiled as she went upstairs. In all honesty, she didn't believe for a second that either of her friends would spy on her, but she had to be a little mean to them; it was part of their repoire.

Nick decided to catch some local news while she was in the shower. Women sometimes stayed there for weeks on end. There was a blurb on the Chicago news about a strange bout of laryngitis in Naperville, but it honestly didn't get as much attention as he might have expected. Apparently, the mass silencing of yuppies wasn't up to snuff for the news. Maybe it wasn't depressing enough. He tried the radio. If he could find a local station, somewhere in the suburbs just outside the range of silence, they would mention something more. He settled on 92.7, which played all kinds of different music and didn't seem to be playing commercials at all. Nice. Nick tried to focus on what the radio was saying, not trusting himself to say anything, especially around Carl. Despite the way he acted toward him, he really did not want the gnome flattened into mush, broken into a million bits, knocked into next Tuesday or any of the other things he so frequently said to him. And with the rest of the town out of voice, he was expecting the Literalus to come here next. He gazed out the window, it was a beautiful evening, there were ducks in the lawn, and rabbits chewing on the flowers. A light, glistening snow added the perfect touch.

"And we're having some lovely June weather tonight, record highs. . ." the radio was droning. Nick realized something was very wrong. "And we have a strange report coming in." No kidding, Nick thought. But to his surprise, the announcer said nothing about the snow. "It seems we have a very rare, no make that completely unique solar. . . um, occurrence going on, that is, well, it's. . . according to this report I have just been handed, the sun is actually moving out of its. . . er place, and is, I don't believe this, moving into orbit around the moon." The announcer sounded positively embarrassed, as if she felt she were the unwitting pawn in a terrible practical joke. "Well, listeners, I'm no expert, but this is. . . completely unprecedented."

Nick wasn't listening to the radio anymore. "Kate! Kate!" His head was reeling. Had the Literalus left town? If so, it might be very tough to track down, they might even have to. . .

"What?" Kate yelled crossly. She'd emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel, a detail Nick tried very hard to ignore. "What's wrong? Good grief, Nick, you're acting like it's the end of the-" Nick planted his hand firmly over her mouth.

"Please don't finish that sentence." She nodded. "The Literalus is up to something. Something big." He opened the window. "Look."

Kate looked. "At what?" Nick looked out, and sure enough, the snow was gone, only wet drops left on the driveway. And only on their driveway. And the sun, while low in the sky, was definitely where it was supposed to be. The moon was nowhere in sight.

"It was snowing," he said, incredulously.

She raised her eyebrows. "Snowing? In, what is it? June?" Her expression changed, she looked at the floor nervously, biting her lip. "It was probably nothing. Something left over from when everyone had their voices. I'm sure it won't happen again."

"And on the radio, they said something about some odd solar stuff."

Nick could have sworn Kate reddened. "It's probably nothing." She looked down as if she had only noticed what she was wearing. "Now will you get out of here? Shoo!"

"All the weird stuff's over, in case you're wondering," Nick said after she came downstairs.

"I figured," she said casually. An expression of concern crossed her face. "You said you were listening to the radio. If we have the radio or TV on, and they say a cliche, will it attack us?"

"Only if we're talking along with the characters. No problem, really. Nobody in real life talks as dumb as people do on TV, right?"

"No kidding. Good, my favorite crime drama's on." She turned on the TV.

"Law and Order: Criminal Intent? Never watched it."

"It's great. The characters are insane."

"Cool." They sat absent-mindedly eating leftover hot dogs for half an hour while the two detectives went about their crimefightiing.

"You know, for being a major case squad detective, she sure isn't very observant," Kate pointed out. "Has she _not _noticed that her partner is staring at her like a lovesick little, well, huge, actually, puppy?"

"They never do," Nick pointed out.

"They're stupid," Carl declared. "If they had half a brain in their tiny little heads, they would just tell each other that they love each other. How did dimwits like this get to be Special Un- er, I mean Major Case Squad detectives?" He glanced between them. Carl left to finish cleaning the kitchen.

"How will we know when it gets close enough to capture?" She took a scowling look from Nick. "Okay, fine, to kill it?"

"Well, we can't rush it. It should hang around for a little while, make itself comfortable, we'll start noticing little changes in things based on what we say. Are you okay? Do you have a fever or something?"

Kate had gone slightly red again. She shook her head.

"Anyway, after it's been here awhile, if nothing really juicy comes up, no good expressions, it will try to goad us. That's when it will get close enough. I don't know why it isn't here yet."

"It might be here and just not leaving traces yet?" she asked tentatively.

Much to her relief, Nick shrugged. "It's okay if we let it stay around for a while. We just need it to get desperate enough. We just wait it out."

The Dumb Questions:

What, exactly is so complicated about this mindless drivel that took the stupid writer a year to get back to it?

How many flowers does this fanficer need to for SciFi for starting to show SU2 again? We _love _you, SciFi!


	5. The K plus Rated Sleepover

The Cliche

By LMR

Disclaimer: Pay no attention to Evan Katz behind the curtain. I own Special Unit 2. Muahahahaha!

Chapter 5: The (K+ rated) Sleepover

xXx

Nick looked out the window. "Well, it looks like the sun is staying in its proper orbit now. I think it's safe to call it a day. Ready for bed gorgeous?"

"Bite me," Kate replied.

Nick pondered this. "Well, you know, normally I'm not that kind of a guy, but I guess for the right woman..."

Kate just laughed.

"I know, I know. Nice comfy sofa for me."

Kate frowned. "No. I think maybe we should take shifts. I don't know about you, but I sometimes talk in my sleep. Don't even think about making a snappy comment at that, " she said just as he opened his mouth. "I think one of us should stay awake, which means Carl gets the sofa- we switch the bed."

Nick made a joke salute. "Sounds good. I'll take first shift. 'Night, Link-boy."

"'Night, Gigantor."

"Good night, Carl," Kate said, heading up the stairs.

"Good night, Kate," he returned.

"Good night, John-Boy," Kate and Nick said at the same time, making them both laugh. Upstairs, Kate settled into the bed.

"Six hour shifts sound okay to you?"

"Sounds good. Is that chair comfy?" she wondered.

"I'm fine," he said simply.

She rolled her eyes at him. "I didn't ask how _you _were. I asked if it was a comfy chair: I have to sit in it later, I wanna know."

"It's fine, thanks for your concern. How's the bed?"

She smiled, facing away from him. "It's dandy," she said, answering his real question. "See you in six hours."

"Yup." Nick's brain was working on a puzzle. Looking at her there asleep. _She's so beautiful. Wow. Sheesh, she's so beautiful she's reduced my vocabulary to Jonathan's level. _The last time they'd been sleeping toget- okay, sleeping in the same room together, she had kissed him. He couldn't forget the way he had tingled all over at that, the swooping feeling that had rushed from his chest and soared out through the rest of his body. And from such a small kiss. And what would a more intense kiss from her do to him? He forced himself to at least try to send those feelings away, the desire to kiss her now, knowing that she was still awake, but pretending he didn't. Would she be a coward the same way he'd been? He couldn't see Kate as a coward. Never. Not like him. First, he'd pretended to be asleep, and today he'd waited for the excuse of being undercover to treat her the way he always wanted to. _ No, I am _not _going to kiss my partner; not going to kiss my best friend_. It was going to be a _long _six hours.

"Mwumf?" Kate articulated six hours later. "'Smytern?" she managed. "'K. Night." She woke herself up and settled on the chair. Nick settled down to sleep. Idiot was wearing a sleeveless shirt. _We had to do this in the middle of Jun- oh don't even _think _about that! If he ever found out... Anyway, a sleeveless shirt! Damn, gorgeous, off-limits partner! Damn, gorgeous, off-limits partner that I am falling in love with_. Kissing him had probably been a mistake, but what a mistake! Thank goodness he'd been asleep. If he had ever known about that, she would never live it down. And now he was lying there, looking so gorgeous and sweet that if she hadn't been too tired to move a muscle of her body, she was pretty sure she would have already gotten up and laid another one on him. It was going to be a _long _six hours.

Kate took pleasure in whacking her partner awake with a pillow. Payback for looking so annoyingly good all night. "Hey, up, sleepyhead. Time to start talking so we can catch this link!"

"Wha.. Oh, right, the link. Nothing weird happen yet, huh?"

Kate looked at the floor, biting her lip. "Is it possible that he's alre-"

Nick's phone rang. He made an 'excuse me' gesture and picked up, putting it on speaker. "O'Malley."

"Nick, it's Jonathan. Something strange is happening."

"News to us, this thing doesn't seem to be anywhere around. It should have come right here."

"Well, there was a slight hitch in the plan."

"What?"

"Well, wow, we failed to think of a um, bigger source of cliches than one house."

"Not if it hasn't left Naperville."

"Well, no, technically it hasn't, but there's a radio station there in town. A tiny one, and the DJs can't talk, but they're still

playing music."

"I thought that couldn't hurt anyone?" Nick wondered.

"Well, normally, no, but the Literalus can broadcast its own, um, powers from the station to anybody who's listening, and if they're singing along. . . "

"But the whole town's been silenced, so we don't have to worry. We can just go to the radio station and bag the sonofabitch!" Nick looked like he was cheering up.

"Radio stations don't broadcast along city lines. You better hurry up, or every teenager in the tristate area is suddenly going to have ruptured cardiac walls. It could get ugly! Wow!"

"Too bad it can't go right to Britney Spears. I wouldn't mind seeing her get hit a couple more times."

"Nick! Link! Bad! Must fix!" Kate reminded him in staccato.

xXx

Ooooh! What next!? More to come soon!


	6. Aren'tcha Glad We Finally Finished This?

The Cliche by LMR

Chapter 5: Aren'tcha Glad We Finally Finished This Thing!?

Disclaimer: Ahday, deway Dembala, give me the power I beg of you! Awake, Special Unit 2, Awake! Okay, Chucky style voodoo doesn't work on dead TV shows, apparently. . .hey, where's my Rainbow Brite? Ahhhhh! Help!!!! Oh, well, I don't own the show, so resurrecting it wouldn't do much good anyway.

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Nick's driving was characteristically terrifying as they hurried toward the radio station. For once, Kate didn't complain. She was too busy worrying about what would happen in the Literalus tapped into a County western station. Everyone would lose their dogs, their wives, their trucks! The thought made her shudder. And there was something else weighing on her mind: While she'd been in the sh-

"Here it is. Once we get in, it shouldn't be too hard to find him. He'll be hovering around the broadcaster doing his disgusting link thing."

"Which looks like what, exactly?" Kate wondered.

"No idea," Nick admitted. "I've never seen one. I guess we'll know when we see it, won't we?" They loaded their peuce ammo.

The security guard made a rather comical spectacle trying to stop them without being able to shout or even radio for backup. Nick and Kate flashed their badgers, which promptly bit them on the nose because badgers do not _like _to be flashed. Realizing their mistake, they put their badgers away and showed the guard their badges. At this point, the gaurd, who really wasn't feeling all that good about the way the day was going, figured that if they were authorities, maybe they could fix whatever was wrong. He let the detectives and their modest badgers pass. Nick simply waved a thanks, still reluctant to tip their hand.

When they reached the deejay, he tried to signal to somebody for help, and before Nick had the chance to simply tear him away from the controls, Kate politely tapped the young man on the shoulder. "Chicago PD, Special Unit 2, we'll need to commendeer the station, it could save lives."

The timid deejay, having a bad day already, as he was, he was sure, facing the end of his career. He figured anybody who could talk now must know something he didn't and might as well have the radio. "The first thing we need to do is put on something harmless," Kate reasoned.

Nick scrolled through the music database. "Here! Leslie Gore!" He clicked play and repeat tune, and much to the detectives relief and dismay, "Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows" started pulsing out of the speakers.

"Great idea! Nothing damaging could come out of that sophmoric song!"

"Well, I don't know what sophmoric means, but actually I just picked it because it will make everybody smash their radios."

"That too."

"I do have one qualm about shooting this thing."

_Yes! Finally. My partner is showing some decency, some respect for life. Some hint that he doesn't just want to blow up everything he sees!_

"Peuce ammo causes splatter. This is a new leather coat!" _Or not. _

"Rggggh!" Kate articulated. "Is there a transmitter on it?"

"What?"

"A specific organ visible on its body that puts out the damage? If we could destroy that one part of it, we might be able to take it alive!" Nick didn't look enthused. "It wouldn't ruin your coat," she added.

Nick thought about it momentarily. "I don't know, but there is an organ doohickey like that on the juxtaverse and the hypnolink (Kate wished he would quit bringing that one up.), and they're both close cousins. They have kind of a radio tower lookin' thing on their shell. You think it might work the same way with this guy?"

"We can try. Thanks for trying to do this peace-."

Her statement was interrupted by the appearance of the literalus (dun, dun, DUN!). He was baby-girl-clothes pink and covered in feathers. The feathers weren't so much growing out of him as into him from a slick shell all around his body and about six inches away from his skin. The feathers coming out of the shell grew toward his body. He hissed at them as they approached.

Nick shot, and to Kate's surprise and delight, hit the antenna instead of the head.

The antenna began to quiver, as if readying itself to do something. Nick shot and the antenna thing seemed to grow limp and wilt. The Literalus seemed hesitant now, cowering in the corner.

"We have to test it!" Nick pointed out. "Say some harmless cliche!"

"I feel pretty?" Kate said lamely.

Nothing changed.

"That won't work!" Nick's brain was racing. _Top of the world?_ (too cold), _ton of bricks? _(ouch), _died laughing? _(no, way!) _I'm over the moon? _(I'd explode out there) "I'm feeling blue!" he finally shouted.

His skin remained ecru/beigie, and they both allowed themselves a sigh of relief before restraining the link.

"Literalus, you have the right...no wait," Nick said jovially. "You don't have any rights! Now what!?" His cell was ringing. "O'Malley."

It was Jonathan. "Okay, It took some work, but I finally managed to dig up a picture of the literalus. You'll never belive where I got it..."

"Jonathan, we got the-"

"There's this old original copy of _A Midsummer Night's Dream_. Turns out it wasn't one of Shakespeare's comedies like we always thought: It was a _history_! Wow!"

"Yeah, great but we-"

"Apparently Dimitrius said something about someone being a jackass, and well-" Anyway, it came with an illustration Billy drew himself; he should have stuck to writing, let me tell you!"

"But-"

"From this picture and the literature, I've gathered that there's a skin condition, a constant light red coloration that isn't actually in the pigment, but is a result of the constant irritation caused by a mutation that causes the feathers on its body to grow _into _the skin. Maybe that's the reason it's so grouchy all the time. It's almost like it's being ti-"

"_Jonathan_!" they both yelled. "We already caught it!" Nick finished.

"Caught it? Like, alive? W-"

"We've rendered it incapable of damage. We're bringing it in to put it in the hole. I guess you and your equally geeky girlfriend can poke at it first." Kate was beaming at his sudden surge of nonviolence. "And try to poke it as harshly as possible, if you could," he whispered before hanging up.

Kate started walking out of the recording booth, keeping her weapon trained on the Literalus, just in case.

"Alice can work on fixing the voices and getting everyone's memory dealt with," Nick thought out loud.

"I thought Alice left? Too stressful."

Nick shrugged. "Fanfiction writer likes her, and as long as that idiot is in charge, Alice stays."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Well, let's go then. And Nick," she turned serious. "Thank you for showing compassion. I know your urge to blow stuff up is really strong, and it shows a lot of character to put that aside for the greater good." She never took her eyes off the Literalus, which was now pretending to throw up.

Nick's face suddenly lit up, and he smacked his hand to his forehead. "I forgot something. I'll be right there." She nodded and continued walking the Literalus out.

There was a muffled "Boom" and a flash from inside the radio booth, and it took Kate a moment to realize that Leslie Gore had shut up, and more importantly, that smoke was billowing from music database.

"Unbelievable!" she sighed. Nick was grinning broadly.

"She gets on my nerves," he said defensively. "Just be glad we finally finished this thing!"

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	7. An Unexpected Explanation

The Cliche

Chapter 6: An Unexpected Explanation

Disclaimer: I don't own Special Unit 2, but I am its Number One Fan. Speaking of which, if I ever find who cancelled it, I'll hobble them! I also don't own any music referenced.

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"Mystery solved!" Kate said jovially. "Now let's get out of here. This neighborhood gives me the creeps." They were moving their equipment out of the surburban house.

"Yeah. Hey, wait. Not all the mystery is solved," Nick said.

Kate fidgeteded. "What do you mean?"

"Well, remember the snow, and the solar occurance I was talking about? I don't like the idea of leaving town without knowing what that was about."

Kate sighed. "You're really not going to let that go, are you?" She frowned, looking frusterated. "Look, I know what caused that, and it's all over, so it's no big deal."

She tried to walk toward the car, but he tugged on her arm. "You know what that was about and you never told me?"

"I was hoping it wouldn't come up again. I should have known better," she finished a little bitterly.

"Hey, come on, what?"

"Iuzingingindaowerokay?" She mumbled.

"What?"

"I was singing in the shower, okay!? she half yelled in exasperation.

Nick tried not to laugh. "You know, you could have gotten really hurt. You shouldn't have done that. You're just lucky you don't listen to country music!" He got serious. "But what's the big secret? Everybody does that."

She shrugged. "I thought you would figure out what song it was and make fun of me."

"Me?" he asked in mock surprise. "Make fun of my coworkers? Where would you get such an idea." She managed a smile.

"It's just that Vanessa Williams sings some totally stupid chick songs, I thought it would lower your opinion of me," she said quietly, without thinking.

Nick pretended he hadn't heard. "No biggie. Ready to go?"

"Almost," she said. "I have to grab my travel mug from inside. Hang on." She piled her stuff on the passenger seat and walked away. Curious, he picked up her ipod. He'd never heard Vanessa Williams, and he wanted to know why she found it so humiliating. He found her name, only one song: Save the Best for Last. He pressed play and listened to the words.

Sometimes the snow comes down in June

Sometimes the sun goes round the moon

I see the passion in your eyes

Sometimes it's all a big surprise

Cause there was a time when all I did was wish

You'd tell me this was love

It's not the way I hoped or how I planned

But somehow it's enough

And now we're standing face to face

Isn't this world a crazy place?

Just when I thought our chance had passed

You go and save the best for last

All of those nights you came to me

When some silly girl had set you free

You wondered how you'd make it through

I wondered what was wrong with you

Cause how could you give your love to someone else

And share your dreams with me?

Sometimes the very thing you're looking for

Is the one thing you can't see.

He could hear that Kate was coming back out of the house. He threw the ipod hastily back onto the seat. Yeah, he could see why she was afraid he'd make fun of her for that. It was too good to keep to himself. He smiled. "You ready?"

"I guess so."

He winked and shifted into gear. Then again, he thought, maybe this little treasure was too good _not _to keep to himself. At least for a while. He sped out of the driveway.

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I know, I know, I'm cruel! But I'm going to try to write some more link stories. (_Readers roll eyes in disbelief Sure, we've heard _that _before!_) Anybody else think the justaverse and hypnolink sound interesting?


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